New Stock Market Terms

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures – Jay Leno

9. President Obama’s response was to support some small business
owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient  funds’. I won’t know
whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the  toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per  share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a   nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in us.

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