1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’
2. On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’
3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.
4. ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’
5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’
9. ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.’
10. ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’
11. ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’
12. There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. here is also no smoking in the toilets. If we see any smoke coming from a toilet, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide to you.
13. From a Virgin Atlantic employee….’ Welcome aboard Virgin Atlantic Flight VS 4 to London Heathrow Airport.’ We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!’
14. Then he progressed to the famous ‘ Fasten Seat belt Routine’ . What he said was: ‘To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’
15. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.
16. After the plane landed, he said: ‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants’
17. His final announcement was: ‘Thank you for flying Virgin Atlantic, We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’