Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….'”
How are You Feeling?
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood”.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible,” he says, “there is a £20 note lodged up here”. Tentatively he eases the 20 out of the man’s bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. “This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor “What do you want me to do?.
“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man” shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on…Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “£1990 exactly.”
“Ah, dat’d be roit.” says Paddy ” I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Then Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”