English for Both Sexes

265798_183777761680314_100001442757621_491778_7844117_oThe Man’s Guide to Female English…

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

You’re…so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper …

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it

I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?

The Woman’s Guide to Male English…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this

What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal, so other men won’t have sex with you

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

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