A Soldier Caught in Kashmir

clip_38-2A JNU professor, a reporter and a tough old soldier were captured by terrorists in Kashmir.

The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded.

The liberal professor said, ‘Well, I’m a foodie, so I’d like one last plate of tandoori chicken.’

The reporter said, ‘I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.’

The leader turned to the soldier and asked, ‘And now, Havaldarji, what is your final wish?

‘Kick me in the rear,’ said the soldier.
‘What?’ asked the leader, ‘Will you mock us in your last hour?’

‘No, I’m NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the rear,’ insisted the soldier.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the rear.

The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from one of the already dead terrorists, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the soldier was untying the Professor and the Reporter, they asked him, ‘Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the rear?’

‘Because’ replied the soldier, ‘if I had shot first, you two morons would have reported that I was the aggressor and the root cause of all the blood shedding in Kashmir.’

… such is the irony of Indian Democracy…

 

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A Southern Accent

clip_249A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail

lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

“Wow, that’s the most proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy too, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, “Will there be anything else?”

“Why yes, ” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y’all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink.”

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Three Roses

clip_203A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood, because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose ?’ she asked. ‘Oh – that’s from a man upstairs in the serious burns unit … he wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

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Understanding Static Electricity

clip_58Just the other day a friend and I were walking through the Pro shop at a local golf course when he touched the door knob and got shocked by static electricity.

He turns to me and says,” Damn, I wish someone would explain that damn static electricity to me.”

So I did, and here is my explanation especially for my non-engineering friends . . .

Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.

The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge.

For modelling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 picofarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts.

When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond:

Are you still having a little trouble understanding this?  If so, the next photo may help.

Scroll  down..

 

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Will He Jump?

clip_178Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money!”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”

 

 

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Muslims Migrating From America to Australia

Clip_252Muslim immigrants are boycotting the U.S.A. by the thousands, showing their outrage with Donald Trump’s proposed law of stopping all further Muslim immigrants till they can clearly check who they are.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Mohammed Aabad is one of those who is punishing the U.S.A. by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his stolen belongings, four wives and fourteen children, the 21 year old Mohammed Aabad told… this reporter through an interpreter “It’s a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!”

The effects of the exodus are being felt by American retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

Mohammed Aabad told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are moving to Australia, where if the Labor Party returns to government, they will pay for everything, where hard working people, through their taxes, will support him and his family with dignity!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

 

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Miss Universe Contestants Describing Male Organ

Clip_261A male’s most important organ as described by some of the most beautiful women of the world at the Miss Universe Contest.

Question:  Ms Australia , how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms Australia : Well, I can say that Male Organs in Australia are like laborers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Australia : Because they work day and night.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question:  Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton Cars.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Because they look tough but are actually very soft.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Kuwait, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?
Ms Kuwait: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Kuwait are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Kuwait: Because they like to enter through the back door.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that Male Organs in our country are like gossips or rumours.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because they pass from mouth to mouth.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that Male Organs in our country are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because they stand up every time they see a woman.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India , how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?
Ms India : Well, I can say that Male Organs in India are like Rats.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India : Because they are always searching for new holes…..day and night…
Standing Ovation

And the award goes to Miss India

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