Italians Illtreat the Arabs

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

“How do you like it here?” asked the grandson

“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said grandpa.

“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone.”

“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah said with a big smile.

“There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There’s a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me – I haven’t had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The F**king Arab.

Blonds’ Husbands

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Newcastle were
listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through”.  So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

“We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park….” Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

“Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

Sheep Lies

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village
and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

‘G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?’

Villager: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going mate?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this villager your owner?’ (pointing at the villager)

Dog: ‘Yep’.
Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.’

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

Kiwi: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

Horse: ‘Cool’

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: ‘Yep’

Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.’

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

Kiwi: (in a panic) ‘No! No! The sheep’s a fuckin’ liar……’

 

One Night Stand with a Fat Woman

A chap meets a fat lass at a disco.

He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat.

He’s not too sure because she is a bit on the large side but he thinks what the hell.

Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business.

He climbs on top. After a while he says, “Would it be OK  if we turned off the light?”

She gets all uptight.

“You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to have sex but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat”.

The chap says, “No it’s not that, it’s just that the light bulb is burning my arse.”

 

London Public Restrooms

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood…..big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all…NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the bobby…”Just follow me”.

He leads him to a back “delivery alley”, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the bobby. “Whiz away sir, anywhere you want.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.

Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call ‘English Hospitality’?”

“No, sir” replies the bobby, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”

 

Solving the Squirrel Problem

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the  Baptist  Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the
following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the  Baptist  Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t  seen a squirrel on their property since.

Missing Wife

Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing…

Husband:   My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home…
Sergeant:   What is her height?
Husband:   Gee, I’m not sure. About five-feet four.
Sergeant:   Weight?
Husband:   Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:   Colour of eyes?
Husband:   Never really noticed, brown or green.
Sergeant:   Colour of hair?
Husband:   Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant:   What was she wearing?
Husband:   Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant:   What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:   She took my sports coupe.
Sergeant:   What kind of sports coupe was it?

Husband:   Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather  Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings;  Unmarked 19″ AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels;  Tyre Pressure Monitoring;  Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof;  COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation;  Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity;  Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc;  Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade;  Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift;   Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors;  Parking Assist;  Attention Assist;  Speed Limit Assist;  Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold;    Electrically Adjustable Steering Column;  Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation;  LED Daytime Running Lights;  Cruise Control;  Rear Privacy Glass;  AMG Carpet Overmats…

At this point the husband starts choking up…..

Sergeant:   Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your car…

 

A Soldier Caught in Kashmir

A JNU professor, a reporter and a tough old soldier were captured by terrorists in Kashmir.

The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded.

The liberal professor said, ‘Well, I’m a foodie, so I’d like one last plate of tandoori chicken.’

The reporter said, ‘I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.’

The leader turned to the soldier and asked, ‘And now, Havaldarji, what is your final wish?

‘Kick me in the rear,’ said the soldier.
‘What?’ asked the leader, ‘Will you mock us in your last hour?’

‘No, I’m NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the rear,’ insisted the soldier.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the rear.

The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from one of the already dead terrorists, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the soldier was untying the Professor and the Reporter, they asked him, ‘Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the rear?’

‘Because’ replied the soldier, ‘if I had shot first, you two morons would have reported that I was the aggressor and the root cause of all the blood shedding in Kashmir.’

… such is the irony of Indian Democracy…

 

A Southern Accent

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail

lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

“Wow, that’s the most proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy too, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, “Will there be anything else?”

“Why yes, ” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y’all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink.”

Three Roses

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood, because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose ?’ she asked. ‘Oh – that’s from a man upstairs in the serious burns unit … he wanted to thank you for his new ears.’