Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,”Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”  
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..  
- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery 
- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was “SHUT UP”.
- Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  
- Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist’s diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out! May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

A 94-Year Old Raped

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘ April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard

Wonder What Their First Class Service is Like?

.’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd Child?

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good Susie!’ and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,Susie!’ and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in Half!’

The nun fainted!

IKEA Lesbian Beds

Now on sale at IKEA – Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

A Muslim was shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day.  Apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69!

Paddy was doing some roofing work for Murphy.  He neared the top of the ladder and started shaking and becoming dizzy. He called down to Murphy and said, “I tink I will ‘ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.” Murphy asked “Ave yer got vertigo?” Paddy replied “No I only live round the corner.”

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

Pope Agrees to Nescafe Proposal

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers ‘Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’

The Pope responds, ‘That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.’

‘Well,’ said the Nescafe man, ‘we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.’
‘My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.’

The Nescafe guy says, ‘Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.. We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.’
And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

‘There is some good news,’ he announces, ‘and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.’

‘And the bad news your Holiness?’ asks a Cardinal.

‘We’re losing the Tip Top account.’

Pakistani Has Family Problems

Two men, one American and a Pakistani were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems.
Shot after shot. The Pakistani man said to the American: “We have problem in Pakistan.
We can’t marry the one whom we love.
You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.
… We call this an arranged marriage.
I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love.
I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems.”
The American said: “Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love.
Let me tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years.
After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.
The situation turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father’s son, my brother, is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?”
The Pakistani fainted.